ask a mexican

His newspaper column and book "Ask a Mexican" are challenging people to take on stereotypes, rather than pretending they don't exist.

"This is what Americans know about Mexicans: tequila, burritos, and illegal alien savages," Arellano said.

Gustavo says ignorance is to blame for so much of the anger that has dominated the immigration debate.

So he's challenging his readers to ask the questions they have always been afraid to ask: why do Mexicans swim with their clothes on, why do Mexicans always cram into a small car, why do Mexicans call white people "gringos"?

"Only gringos call gringos, 'gringos,'" he said. "Mexicans call gringos 'gabachos.'"

The cover of "Ask a Mexican" features a handful of stereotypes: a can of frijoles, the bulleted out car, a Chihuahua, and tequila to name a few.

"Why? Why do they hurt? They are just images. Let's rob them of their power," he said. "I view the column as a Trojan horse, I want to goad people into being as racist as possible, so I can have the final word." Dear Mexican: A new line of Speedy Gonzales clothing came out earlier this year. As a black vendor in a predominantly Mexican market, I immediately thought about selling some of these items. I am 35, and although I remember the cartoon coming on when I was a young kid, I can't really remember much about it, with the exception that he was very quick. Is Speedy Gonzales a disliked character by Mexicans? I certainly wouldn't want my customers to think I'm being racist. ?Arriba, arriba! ?ándale!

Loco for Love


Dear Negrito: Sell away, amigo, but remember that the most popular Warner Bros. character for Mexicans is Tweety Bird. Nevertheless, you can make a small fortune selling anything adorned with Speedy Gonzales, the most misunderstood Mexican since your gardener. Real Mexicans love the little cabrón because he personifies everything grand about our raza: bronze-skinned, fast, always able to beat dumb gabachos and wearing a sombrero big enough to smuggle a pueblo across la frontera. Sure, he's a caricature and speaks in the classical Warner Bros. Mexican accent, but hating Speedy for those sins is like hating tequila because it gets you drunk. The best treatise on Speedy remains William Anthony Nericcio's Tex[t]-Mex: Seductive Hallucinations of the "Mexican" in America, the best book by an academic since How the Irish Became White. Nericcio makes a fine salsa out of pedantic college prose: For instance, his chapter on Speedy is titled, "Autopsy of a Rat: Sundry Parables of Warner Brothers Studios, Jewish American Animators, Speedy Gonzales, Freddy López, and Other Chicano/Latino Marionettes Prancing about Our First World Visual Emporium; Parable Cameos by Jacques Derrida; and, a Dirty Joke." We'd excerpt Nericcio's hilarious book at greater length, but the mad profe used up his plug with that title―comprende editor, Bill?

Read Nericcio's mexcellent blog at textmex.blogspot.com.

Dear Readers: Daddy del Diablo sent the above query to both the Mexican and Dan Savage, author of the pinche hilarious column, "Savage Love." Dan suggested that I answer the question in his column, and he answer it in mine. Without further ado, the Mexican turns over the burro to his favorite joto:

A. None of the women I fucked under duress during my closeted adolescence were Mexicans, sadly, so I don't have much personal experience with Mexican chicks. I was, however, lucky enough to sleep with some very hot Mexican dudes while I worked in a restaurant during high school. These Mexican guys did not ask me to call them "Papi"―well, not so far as I could tell. There were language barriers, you see, as the Mexican guys I knew briefly and loved sodom-ly had come to our country to do jobs and teenagers that Americans were unwilling to do. But all the Mexican guys I messed around with seemed to favor the same pet name―maybe they were all from the same region of Mexico?―and I came to enjoy hearing it growled into my ear. Forgive my spelling here, Gustavo, but my pet name sounded like "merry-cone." Does that mean something in Spanish? (Gustavo's note: It's maricón, Dan. Means "faggot.") Anyway, DDD, I imagine that Mexican chicks yell for their papi during sex for the same reason all those busboys―not being a bigot, they really were busboys―liked to call me "merry-cone." It turned 'em on.

Gracias, Dan. Read my response in Dan's columna this week here. And remember to send any sexy preguntas to mail@savagelove.net. Now, back to your favorite Mexican . . .

Q. Dear Mexican: When you strike out four times in a game in baseball, why is it called a golden sombrero? ― ?Viva Los Dawyers!

A. Dear ?Viva!: The why of your question is easy. A hat trick in hockey jargon is when someone scores three goals in a game, so some baseball joker over the years decided to invert the colloquialism to honor a player's embarrassing four-strikeout day at the plate. But the more interesting part of your question, is who created the term and when did it first occur. The 1999 Dickson Baseball Dictionary cites the earliest use of "golden sombrero" in the 1989 autobiography of former Chicago Cubs manager Don Baylor. But a June 16, 1987, Associated Press dispatch quotes then�Cincinnati Reds manager Pete Rose as saying, "We had two guys who got the 'Golden Sombrero' tonight. You know what the Golden Sombrero is, don't you? It's the hat trick plus one." Rose's quip suggests that "golden sombrero" was already popular in big-league clubhouses during the 1980s, but probably no earlier than that―the 1989 edition of the Dickson Baseball Dictionary doesn't list it, while the 1999 paperback version does. The Mexican initially leaned toward classifying "golden sombrero" as yet more proof of baseball bigotry against Mexicans, since the sport abounds in negative Mexican-themed terms: Others include a Mexican standoff (used for matchups where nothing ultimately happens) and the Mendoza line, named after Mexican big-league shortstop Mario Mendoza and referring to the mediocre .200 batting average all batters want to avoid. Ultimately, I decided against the race card: Really, is there a bigger hat out there than the Mexican sombrero? Maybe the cornette associated with the Daughters of Charity, but those nuns stopped using them around the time Sally Field hit the wall. Thus, the sombrero.




I've been on the same job for 25 years, and I've worked with many Mexicans, Salvadorans, Guatemalans and Hondurans. Over the years, I've come to the conclusion that if there is a Mexican in the restroom, I need to avoid it for a good hour afterward. What is it about Mexicans that make them such nasty, foul bastards when it comes to a simple shit? The noise they make! Why do they make comments to themselves while crapping? Then comes the smell. Talk about gag a maggot! And this can be any time of the day or night, any day of the week. I've been all over the world and can honestly say a Mexican is the vilest person to use a public restroom.


Y'all Stink


Dear Gabacho: I can explain diets, rural upbringings and beans, but let's get real. Ever seen Blazing Saddles? Dumb and Dumber? South Park? Have you listened to Howard Stern? Men are obsessed with their feces―have been since the day God sneaked a fart joke into the Book of Isaiah―so it doesn't surprise me that the Mexicans you work with groan or yell while dropping a deuce. What is strange is the gabacho obsession with Mexican poop. Seriously, guys: Whether it's asking about Montezuma's Revenge, why Mexicans don't flush soiled toilet paper, or what's with Mexicans and beans, I have enough Mexican mierda questions to write another book. Get over it: Shit is shit, and yours doesn't exactly smell like roses, either, but we don't get our chonis in a bunch over it.


Gustavo says his experience as a child of illegal immigrants gives him the right to sound off about stereotypes.

His column is written from Santa Ana, Calif.., the most Mexican city in America. "This is all just individual entrepreneurship, people coming in on their own, coming from nothing, and doing it," he says.

Arellano does have a pile of hate mail, but it only seems to embolden him.

"I love it. People saying you little brown cockroach, you should go back to cleaning toilets," he said.

Using humor to break down stereotypes isn't exactly new?it's been a staple of comedians for many years.

Comedian Carlos Mencia said, "I believe that we as comedians have the ability to say things that nobody else can in this country."