while the children sleep

When the topic of sleep is raised by new parents, it's usually accompanied by the word deprivation. And here at Chateau Toddle we've had our fair share of interrupted nights. As previously discussed in this space, we've had extended periods of noisy protest at bedtime, and we've also had broken nighttime hours whenever Edie has been teething, sick or unsettled.

Ever since returning from overseas about two months ago, however, all three of us have fallen into a dependable routine. (Which I hope I'm not jinxing with this post.) Edie goes to bed between 7.30pm and 8pm and sleeps through till about 7am. And during the day she sleeps from about 1pm till 3pm. As Jo said, it was as if we hit the reset button by travelling to the other side of the world. Ever since, Edie's body clock has been more like a Swiss chronometer than a Bangkok fake.

But here's the thing: we're cheating.

Two years ago, when Edie was a little bundle of burger fresh from the baby factory, she slept in our bed with us, on a little raised mattress of her own. At three months, she moved into her cot, which stood near our bed. Then, just after she turned one, we moved her cot into her own room. The picture shows Edie, aged one and a few days, helping us move the cot from our room into hers. She looks worried; truth is, she adjusted easily and happily.

But then we hit turbulence. For two distinct periods of several weeks at a time, it was as if Edie suddenly hated going to sleep, and never seemed to sleep very deeply. That was tough. "There is no torture more refined than sleep deprivation," says Jessica Douglas Henry, a Sydney filmmaker who's just made an interesting six-part series airing on Wednesday nights on SBS called Parent Rescue. The show starts next week, and it's about the work done at Karitane, which aims to provide child and family services. Families struggling to get toddlers to sleep, for instance, will spend a few nights there in the hope of working things out.

We never tried Karitane, but maybe we should have. In late June, when Edie, Jo and I travelled overseas, we were still in the thick of a bad patch.

Once we arrived in Germany, however, Edie's sleeping patterns improved almost immediately. Against all odds, jet lag saved our sanity. Which we could only attribute to two things. One, on holidays Edie slept in our room each night, in a portable cot we'd taken. Two, we helped her fall asleep by lying on the bed next to her as she drifted into unconsciousness.

And therein lies the cheating: ever since coming home, we've kept up these two strategies. That is, we've wheeled her cot back into our room, and we lie down beside her to help her fall asleep. And it's working.

Why do I say cheating? Simply because most parents we know move babies into their own rooms at a young age, sometimes when bub is only a few weeks old. Certainly noone we know has a two-year-old sleeping in the same room as them. Conventional wisdom seems to be: get 'em out early, and keep 'em out.

The funny thing is, it feels right. I've lost count of the number of times Jo has turned to me and said, "I love having her back in our room." So do I, to be honest. Over the past year, during the sleepless times, Jo and I tried various strategies, including letting Edie cry it out, which we did for many long hours. Hearing her sob non-stop for an hour or more was heartbreaking.

When it comes to parenthood, I keep hearing the adage, "Do whatever works for you". And this is working. It feels right for the moment, even if it's not an approach that is currently fashionable or popular. As usual, Robin Barker is a voice of reason. "There is no evidence, either way, that there are any long-term advantages for children based solely on where they slept as babies and toddlers (as long as basic safety measures are in place)," she writes in Baby Love.

Some people might respond that having a two-year-old in the bedroom can hamper the intimacy between the parents. I dispute that. And anyway, that's really not the point. For me, the point is that Edie, at two, needs to be secure in our protection and love. Right now it feels counter-intuitive and unfair to segregate her into a room of her own, while her mother and I enjoy each other's company. It seems to me like an extension of our society's overblown devotion to individualism - at least in our case, where Edie was having trouble sleeping in her own room.

Not that there's anything wrong with putting babies in their own room. The best approach seems to be to keep an open mind, then do whatever works for you. And above all, as the saying goes, let sleeping bubs lie.

September 18, 2007 Edition 1


Kate and Gerry McCann are shocked that detectives have named them as suspects in their daughter Madeleine's disappearance in Portugal.

But the rumour has remained strong: that Kate accidentally overdosed the child on sedatives.

In South Africa, you would be arrested and possibly charged if it was suspected that you killed your child, even by mistake, by giving them too much medication, says Captain Percy Morokane, national spokesperson of the SAPS.

"We would ask: for what reason were you sedating your child? And, like any other unnatural death, the case would be investigated. This could be related to murder."

The "accidental" part of the tragedy might set you free, and those parents who never intended to kill their children would be pitied, rather than reviled. Having caused your children's death could be regarded as being punishment enough.

The McCanns have fiercely denied accusations that they accidentally gave their eldest, who was weeks away from her fourth birthday, an overdose.

But there has been a shadow over their denials, initially because their other children - 2-year-old twins Amelie and Sean - seemingly slept deeply throughout the turbulent night Madeleine went missing.

The couple say they have never used any kind of sedative on their children and never would. But the possibility of a horror outcome has compelled those parents who may ever have considered sedatives, to review their decision.

Doctors and pharmacists agree that it can be just too dangerous. And since South Africa is reported to be a nation of sedative-takers, we need to be particularly vigilant.

Close to 2-million prescriptions were issued for sedatives and sleeping pills in the country last year, according to Adele Shevel of Business Times, who noted this marked a 25,3% jump since 2002.

South Africa's most famous mum, 94.7 and e.tv star Sam Cowan, is outraged at the notion of sedatives for babies and children. "Children develop sleep patterns naturally and medicating them for convenience not only throws this out, it prevents them from becoming able to self-calm," she says.

"I know it can be frustrating when children don't want to go to sleep. But kids are kids. I spent my wedding anniversary night doing shifts with my husband for a sick child. While it's jolly annoying to have a special occasion interrupted by a crying child, it's not forever."

Meg Faure, an occupational therapist who specialises in sensory integration, says sedation should only occur under medical supervision. Some doctors will consider this only if a mother is at a point where she may harm her baby if they do not go to sleep. But Faure's firm belief is that natural methods can work very well.

"A quick-fix like sedation cannot solve problems in the long term," she says. "Also, some babies do not process sedatives as quickly as we might hope, so they can be a bit hung over the next day.

"If you're really battling, I recommend Rescue Remedy, but only in the correct doses you should give to a child and that pose no danger to them.

"It is a good idea to make sure the baby has a peaceful 'sleep zone' with, say, blockout lining on the cot or a dimmer light. If they're hungry, they won't sleep well, so they need enough protein when they're over the age of six months.

"Most important of all, though, is to have a good day sleep routine, and to minimise TV-watching."

Pharmacist Anina van der Walt agrees that sedation should "be the exception to the rule, and not something you should try unless it is an isolated case".

"You must look at why your baby or small child is not sleeping," she advises. High on her lists of problematic situations is over-stimulation, especially from television, but even that, she says, can be soothed with a warm glass of milk and a calm time spent with mom and dad reading or singing before bed.

Van der Walt says she's sceptical of the assertion that the McCanns may have given their children the mild pain remedy Calpol, and not a sedative, as has also been alleged.

"Calpol, Panado … these are effective pain syrups that are given for teething or any other kind of constant pain. They're not sedatives. But if you give your child too much, you can give them liver damage or kidney damage.

"Real sedatives can only be had on prescription. Pharmacists are not allowed to dispense them any other way."

A shocking claim in a Portuguese newspaper was that police had pointed to a tranquilliser kit having been used on Madeleine, but the couple has stated there was no syringe in their holiday apartment.

But there is one, irrefutable way of determining whether Madeleine was overdosed. Toxicology tests on hair can show clear evidence of the use of sedatives. Forensic specialists agree that traces of drugs in a person's blood are rapidly deposited in the roots and if analysis is carried out on hair samples, drugging or poisoning may be surmised.

Morokane says that even if a doctor or another medical specialist was supervising the sedation of a child, they would have to be investigated if the child died of an overdose.

"Again, we would have to ask about the good reasons why the sedation was instituted."

Cowan empathises with parents who long for their children to sleep well.

"It's difficult. My son slept through from eight months, but my daughter is almost 10 months now and there is no sign of a full night's sleep in sight!

"Some mornings I am very, very tired. But a lot of my friends are mums and we commiserate with each other. We all know how it feels and support means everything.

"I have tried to instil good sleeping habits by keeping the room dim and quiet at night, having a bedtime routine and lots of cuddling.

"I have also done a mild form of controlled crying, allowing her a few minutes of complaining before going into her room to check that she really isn't hungry or wet. Generally she'll put herself back to sleep in a few minutes."

Meanwhile, the world gasps as the McCann drama unfolds. Even Morokane says he and his colleagues are captivated by it, but he's relieved to say that the SAPS has never had to face a similar case.

"It's completely unheard of in our country."